Household Friends for Every Season

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE Dear Friend: Every day, all over the world, innocent children with large, soulful eyes are getting terrible diseases. Also, countless furry little endangered species are being dismembered by industrialists wielding chain saws. This is all your fault. So we want you to send some money to ... AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE Dear Electric Customer: Due to inflation, we have been forced to apply for a rate ... No, wait, forget that. We can’t use inflation anymore. Uh, let’s see ... Oh yeah. Due to the fact that our new Harbor Vista nuclear generating plant, if we ever get it finished, may have some piping problems that would cause it to emit a deadly cloud of radioactive gas the size of Canada, we have been forced to apply for a rate increase so we’ll be able to afford a really top-notch lawyer with his own jet and everything. We realize that, since we just got a rate increase last week, this may seem ... AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE Dear Mr. Barry: In a recent column, you stated that Abraham Lincoln ran the hundred-yard dash in 8.4 seconds, and that ice fishermen have the same average IQ as mailboxes. As an avid ice fisherman, and chairman of the History Department at Myron B ...»